To whom it may concern,
I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with recent purchases from your store. Last month when the football season began and my partner suddenly lost interest in his marital obligations, I paid a visit to your Kingston branch and decided to treat myself to a mechanical substitute. After skillfully side stepping the staff (incidentally, nobody in their right mind wants to discuss their purchases with store staff) and scanning the shelves for a suitable appliance, I finally settled on a ‘Rampant Rabbit’. On the vague off chance that my husband might not be completely oblivious to my womanly needs (and might just need some gently encouragement) I also purchased a PVC nurses outfit, a pair of knickers, knee high stilettos, some chocolate body paint and a vat of lubricant big enough to drown in. At this point I would like to point out I parted with the princely sum of £118.75.
Upon returning home I eagerly removed my purchases from the bag whilst my husband sat in front of his 52″ Samsung, watching the Match of the Day Highlights. My purchases elicited little more then a sideways glance and a grunt, and he proceeded to lament about the poor performance of West Ham this season.
Undeterred I went upstairs and slipped into aforementioned nurses outfit, panties and boots and returned to the lounge, where I hovered in his peripheral vision, humming a Barry White tune. When this did not achieve the desired result I chanced a more direct approach and attempted to obscure the screen by gyrating wildly in front of it, waving the tub of lube. Sadly at this point, highlights of the Arsenal/Sunderland match came on and he became intent on yelling at one of the players and completely ignored me. In a final attempt to get his attention I tried to straddle the arm of the sofa, but caught the heel of my boot on the pouf and slipped over backwards, ripping the PVC nurses and tearing the heel off the boot. To add insult to injury I also landed flat on my behind and acquired some unsightly bruising. Fortunately husband did not notice my acrobatics, so I crawled back upstairs, figuring I could compensate by enjoying my other purchases.
Problem number two occurred whilst trying to get into the packaging for the Rampant Rabbit. After 15 minutes trying to tear it open with my bare hands and break through cardboard and plastic, I resorted to using my teeth (acquiring a painful paper cut on side of my mouth) and nearly gave myself a hernia. I appreciate “child-proof packaging” on things like prescription drugs, but packaging a product for frustrated women in this manner is highly inappropriate. If I wasn’t frustrated before I started, I was virtually deranged by the end. Upon removing the object I then discovered that I required a PhD in technical science to operate the bloody thing (it had more buttons and switches then the dashboard of the Starship Enterprise) and that I had bought the wrong size batteries.
To summarise, I am highly unhappy with the entire range of products I purchased partly due to lack of durability and ‘user-unfriendliness’. Whilst I appreciate you can do nothing about the injuries I sustained, I would be most grateful if you could refund me for these items – the exception being the pot of chocolate body paint that I consumed in a fit of depression thereafter.
ps. A word of advice for your purchaser – perhaps you should start stocking West Ham football strips for women that really want to get their husbands attention.