Dear sir or madam

I am writing to express my outrage at the antics of one of the Queen’s guard yesterday. You would expect a guard to be sensible, yes? I hardly reguard skydiving into the new Olympic swimming pool and drenching our dear Queen, who was watching the swimmers’ rehearsals, as being sensible.
I am disgusted. He is a public health hazard to himself and to others. I think he must be on drugs. I will sue him if he comes anywhere near me, so make sure you capture him and put him in jail.
In other words, keep him away from me.
I saw him today, this morning, at the zoo. He stole an enormous handful of ice lollies from a freezer and ate them all in one go. Then he decided he had a taste for Pick’n’Mix sweets. He grabbed fistfulls of sweets out of each container and ate them, then hurled the rest at the crowd, disgraceful!!
He was going ‘ooh aah oogle oogle, sweetie yum yum!!!’
Honestly! He is behaving like one of the drunk lemurs that he fed with champagne from a birthday party group. The lemurs careered around all over the place and almost ate a most distressed lady’s baby poodle.
Please! Arrest him. He is going from worse to worse! This afternoon he gatecrashed my son’s party, held in a big warehouse. He charged in through the gate, still trailed by his lemur crew, and tore the place apart. He stole watches, earrings, jewellery, food, and succeeded in getting the lemurs drunk again, on my best Asti.
It is unbelievable that no-one else has complained, as is content to let him run around like a hooligan (which most probably he is) and terrorize our children. They do not dare go out on their own any more in case ‘Monkey Man’ gets them. My son has had nightmares for two days now.

Make sure he is caught,
Yours sincerely
Sophia Drake