Dear Overly-Loud Chewers of the World,
I would say I have a bone to pick with you if that were not uncomfortably close to the subject matter that tortures me so. (It’s best not to assume- how do I know some of you don’t chow down on metaphors?) It’s sad that it has come to this, but trust me when I say I do this out of love. (Just so long as I am not questioned on the degree of said sentiment.) As may have been guessed from my address to you, that which causes this angst of mine is food. Specifically, the way in which you chew it. To be blunt, you do not go about this process sans enthusiasm. One could say that based on the evidence, it is possible to deduce that you love food very much. In short, I say with a reasonable degree of certainty that the old lady at the far end of the street -while waiting for her new hearing aid- could state the times of your meals- just so long as she remembers to replace the batteries in her clock.
I admit, I find myself at a loss as to why you do this. I know a few offenders personally and the cause seems to be a distressing habit to leave too wide a gap between their lips while eating. Maybe they do not know of this revolutionary business of eating with one’s mouth closed- it is possible to draw air through the nostrils and so obtain that O2 that is so essential for us all. I can accept that some are unable to help this, but for the majority it seems to be an inability to care about the appetite of others. The sound of audible chewing is the arch-enemy of hunger. It’s a powerful thing. In fact, rumour whispers the only cure is removal of oneself from the removal of the surrounding area. Another rumour whispers that if people just took some more care about the way in which they eat, the business would die out. Ah, what a beautiful vision of the future.
A Distressed Masticator