I bought myself a treefern eighteen months ago,
I bought this fern from Homebase cause it wasn’t far to go.
Although no life was showing I was assured it wasn’t ill,
And the code on the plantpot was information for the till.
Well I placed it in my garden in lovely dappled shade,
But still no fronds would grow, a mistake I think was made.
I wrapped it up for winter with still no sign of life,
It sat there nice and cozy, I kept it warmer than the wife.
I fed it in the summer and gave it lots of love,
Weeded round its base and watered from above.
Introduced it to the family and talked to it all night,
I’m wondering if my treefern is going to be alright.
To make it feel at home we decided to call it Fred,
We shoved the kids outside at night and brought it in to bed.
Well the kids they started moaning and mopeing all around,
So we took old Fred outside again and put him in the ground.
I’m looking at him now halfway through another year,
I’ve tickled him and cuddled him but still no fronds appear.
Now eighteen months later I sit and scatch my head,
And suddenly I realise THE BLOODY THING IS DEAD.
The moral of this story I would like to say to you,
If you ever want a treefern, then GO TO B & Q.
This is what I actually sent to Sainsburys and there reply was:
“We are sorry that you are not happy with your purchase”