Ref: LoansAngels Daytime Advertising Campaign.
Dear Loanshark, Moneylender, LoansAngels;
It was with great interest (though considerably less than you charge) that I viewed your recent day time television advertisement.
I would be grateful if you could enlighten me on the following points please:
•How is it that the people your actors portray – couples desperately in debt and deeply worried over domestic financial matters- are invariably sitting in a well equipped and bang up to date, spotlessly clean kitchen? I suspect you will suggest that this is precisely the source of their debt, however I dare to suggest in return that in the real world (i.e. the one you don’t occupy) people so deeply in debt might have tried at first to either return these items to the place of purchase for a refund or, heaven forfend, try to sell them to raise some honest cash (yes, honest cash; there is such a thing.) I also dare to suggest that when mired in the depression that stems from great debt, the last thing anyone can be bothered to do is clean the kitchen.
•This leads me on to another point; why is it that your adverts always depict COUPLES in debt (in the kitchen?) Do you mean to infer that single people are more financially responsible? Can it be that you speak from personal experience of marriage? If you are struggling yourself, perhaps you should consider hiking up the repayment charges on your loans, you know, just to make it worth your while.
•Why is it that despite apparently being worried sleepless about monetary matters (in the kitchen,) these people never have a single worry or frown line? They never yawn through lack of sleep or snap at each other through stress? They are perfect and blissfully happy, even before you take them under your wing. Imagine.
•Why are all the scenes set (in the kitchen) before they take your loan offer in black and white, and all the scenes after they have accepted it in colour? Don’t tell me your budget couldn’t stretch to colour throughout? You should consider applying to your local arts council for a grant.
•Why is that all the nicey nicey text, e.g.: ‘We can guarantee you a loan, no questions asked;’ We can have the money in your bank in two working days;’ ‘Our CEO wears lovely aftershave’ etc are in print almost big enough to fill the kitchen window, which even the most myopic, squint-eyed, should-have-gone-to-Specsavers individual could read without so much as stopping to work out if that’s an R or an F, whilst the really important, need-to-know stuff is so small that a dead-eyed 20/20 vision sniper with sights, binoculars and a magnifying glass would still have difficulty deciphering it?
How did you get these adverts past the censors? Surely this equates to financial porn, and on a day time listing too.
The 2354.64% interest rate alone is obscene, much less the smug, smiling face of a ‘business man,’ supposedly of integrity and honour and representative of your company, who, in his ill fitting three piece suit, heavy overcoat and more gold jewellery than your average chav, looks more like a pimp from a 70’s police T.V series than a legitimate broker. What’s that? It’s you? Oh dear, time for an image make over perhaps.
To end this letter in suitably pornographic fashion in order to match your overall tone, get fu, go scr, bollo, go forth and multiply, you doubtless have enough calculators.
Yours entirely sincerely,
(not writing from the kitchen.)