Dear Keeper of the Weathers,
First of all, I wish to make it clear that I do not, under normal circumstances, have any problem with you, or the work you do. Even though, living in the British Isles, it is amply evident to me (and indeed all of my countrymen) that you do not view our little island with much favour, as we are often treated to more than our fair share of rain and general dreariness. This is not, however, my complaint. As it happens, I rather like the rain. Only when it is proper rain, though, not that silly drizzle you occasionally send us, the type that is just wet enough to gently frizzle your hair, but not wet enough to make you feel you’ve braved anything. The kind that just makes you a bit grumpy. That kind. No more of that, please. But no, real rain, I take no issue with. It keeps Britain’s pastures verdant, our rivers rushing, and our conversations flowing. I also feel I should take this opportunity to thank you for the annual three days of sunshine you have been good enough to grant us on a fairly reliable basis. I can assure you, you could not dream up a gesture that would be met with more gratitude by the people of our great nation, and indeed it warms my heart to see the aforementioned verdant pastures filled to bursting with the aforementioned grateful multitude at the first hint of sunshine; pasty, shirtless, and audibly sizzling. Once again, many thanks. Your kindness has not gone unnoticed.
I did mention, however, that I wished to air a complaint with you, and it therefore brings me no pleasure to inform you that the purpose of this letter relates to a rather more upsetting matter: the matter of your oddly erratic behaviour of late with regards to snow. I do not want you to mistake my meaning; ordinarily I love snow. In fact, if you had asked me four months ago, I would probably have cited it as my favourite weather. Second only, possibly, to thunder and lightning. (Could we have more of that? I know you’re busy, but it is always so exciting…) But my point is that I like snow, a lot. I always used to look forward to our allotted two or three days a year of it with an almost mindless enthusiasm as, as I’m sure you are aware, it really does make everything look very pretty. However, I’m not sure what happened at your end of things this year, but I regret to say you may have ruined this simple pleasure for me. Now, before I continue, I want to assure you that I can sympathise with you somewhat. I can only imagine how puzzling it must be to you when people work themselves into an uproar over a winter that is…well…cold. I also understand that there may have been all manners of extenuating circumstances that could explain your seemingly heartless offloading of frozen weather onto us. Perhaps you had a large volume of snow in storage that was approaching its use-by date. Or perhaps you just wanted to test us? I can only speculate as to your reasoning, but I should say now, I have no real problem with you sending us the so-called Big Freeze. Yes, it became a little irritating after the first week or so, and yes it made travelling a nightmare, and yes, after the snow stopped being white and pretty it all just got a bit ridiculous, but I don’t really wish to complain about it because the point is: it was during the Winter. I am perfectly willing to accept a Winter that is cold. Anyone who is not should move to the Bahamas. I hear you’re quite nice to them over there. No, Mr Weather-Keeper, what I wish to address is the matter of the snow we have received today. In case you don’t have your records to hand (I know these letters must take a while to process), today is March 30th. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I do believe this date falls well within the boundaries of British Springtime. I’m not sure if perhaps one of your assistants mislabelled your ‘Spring Showers’ storage unit, but the weather we received today could not be called Spring-like, nor was it anything akin to a shower. It was frozen, and miserable, and there was a lot of it. Now, as much as I appreciate you fulfilling my dreams of a white Christmas, I think it was awfully presumptuous of you to assume this meant I would enjoy a white Easter, too. On the contrary, this was the last thing on my wish list, as I felt as if my dreams with regards to snow had been fulfilled enough to last me the rest of the year (and possibly all of next year too). And yet here I am writing this while a blizzard rages outside my window.
I would like to respectfully suggest that you get your act together, seek help if you require it, and then return to sending us the pleasantly grey and unremarkable weather that we all expect, nay, require at this time of year. This is clearly attention-seeking behaviour on your part, and I wish to remind you that in a figure with your responsibilities and authority, this is an unacceptable way to air your own personal grievances. All this being said, I wish to once again assure you that I have the highest respect for you and the job you do, and I very much hope we can look forward to seeing you in a steadier frame of mind in the near future.