Primani…. a place where women revert to their primeval instincts.
In Primark anything goes, it’s like another world, a modern day journey to the heart of darkness.
You walk through the doors in a good mood; it’s a sunny day and you’ve been shopping. But once you get through those doors everything changes. It’s an attack on the senses, children are crying, women are elbowing each other out the way, men are hovering timidly on the sideline, constant announcements are being made over the loudspeakers, oh no there is no soothing in store music in Primark. To avoid changing room queues people are getting changed in the middle of the shop, inhibitions forgotten. Shop assistants can even be seen telling customers to clear up the clothes they’ve finished looking at…. errrrm excuse me? Isn’t that what you’re paid for?
Despite the fact that there are far more people per square meter than in any other shop, well, anywhere except perhaps Oxford street Topshop on Christmas eve, the air conditioning is something we, as customers, can only dream of. Instead their mediocre attempt at keeping the temperature somewhere below boiling point is a fan in the corner of the room.
Aforementioned trauma aside you spot a bargain across the shop. You bravely grab a garish purple sack (do they need to remind us we can’t afford to shop anywhere nicer?) and head into the masses.
Everything, absolutely everything is on the wrong hanger. You think you’re picking up a size 12 and it turns out to be an 18. You hunt through rails of clothes building up a sweat, ignoring the children who seem to have no parents wrestling at your feet, the shop assistant who nearly ran your feet over with a clothes rail and the chavs fighting over the last fake Burberry belt. Ah ha, you’ve finally found your size, you turn around in triumph to show your friends, but no, they’ve gone. Disappeared into the crowd never to be seen again. Then comes the next problem, cell reception. It is almost impossible to get a cell reception in Primark as everyone is lost trying to call their friends. If you are lucky enough to get through, it is almost inevitable that their voice will be drowned out by some unfortunate and undesired primarktastic noise. Primark! How difficult would it be to set up meeting points? I myself, have lost 2 friends in your shops before!
Then the changing rooms. After filling your basket with bargains and queuing up for at least half an hour you are only allowed to take in six items at a time! Six?! So, after the moody looking assistant hands over your items you are allowed in. The curtains, you will definitely find, don’t close properly, meaning the changing rooms may as well be communal. Wonderful.
Eventually, after you have made several journeys from your changing room to the basket to collect yet another 6 items and decided on your purchases you are forced to stand in yet another half hour queue to pay.
But eventually it is over. All you want to do is leave. Alas no. Primarkians all walk extremely, excruciatingly slowly. It will take at least another 15 minutes to locate an exit.
So, good luck on your quest to Primark my friends!