Supermarkets, I hate them. I hate going to them, and I hate that I have no choice whether I want to or not. I hate the people that populate them and their incapability of being able to both steer a trolley and know exactly what it is they went in there to buy. I hate that their only reason for going into the shop is to come out from behind an aisle, rack or lager display, like the twin girls in Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining, just to obstruct the thoroughfare like moronic motionless mannequins. They obstruct the right of way just so I have to foxtrot around them and fall into a shelving unit.

I hate ignorance when it comes to properly ensuring children are out of the way of the people who want to get things done with no problem e.g. me. Of course many children are well-behaved in the company of adults, BUT there are some youngsters who are quite clearly the offspring of the damned. I know they aren’t the children of human beings, because they dart and fly like caffeine fuelled daddy-long-legged junkies in a different plane of existence, weaving in and around a hilarious forest of denim and corduroy trees. They invade your personal space, they jump and run and dive and spin right into your lap and, just when you didn’t think your trip could get any worse, they decide to fall on the floor and hurt themselves right in front of the one item you came in to buy. It’s a sight to behold. The parents, once oblivious to their little darling foo foos, suddenly meander into the aisle to tend their injured little bastards. One very fearful ‘you were near my child therefore you’re going to kidnap them’ stare from the parent later and you wish it was the law that children must be kept on a lead at all times.

On the subject of laws I think it would be a fantastic idea if the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency (DVLA) and Highway Code expanded their jurisdictions to shop floors as well as the roads. Just think of the benefits correct aisle markings, speed limits, mini mini-roundabouts would offer not to mention making all trolleys strictly right hand push. Customers would have to leave their trolley in the central aisle to go into the branching off ones and of course inter-produce congestion is cut-down considerably. No longer will there be head on trolley collisions with that little old dear caught in the middle, sliced clean in two by The Radio Times. A grisly picture, but without any sort of trolley handling laws, a disaster is waiting to happen.

Am I looking forward to the end of the year? To Christmas shopping in these deathtraps, shops where marshal law reigns supreme and its every man, woman and child for themselves. I’d rather go for a relaxing stroll across the Autobahn, blind-folded.