Dear Dean of University College of London,
Firstly, let me commend you on your excellent supply of sandwiches and drinks throughout campus – they really were superb! But, alas, I write this letter with regret, that unfortunately I am seeking the return of £9000 in full in exchange for my degree. Unfortunately the degree has not provided me with the future which was promised in receipt of degree. As such I am seeking to return it for full return under the condition of faulty goods. It is still in it is protective sleeve, is in mint condition and is unused.
I left your academic walls three years ago with high hopes of financial success and happier times ahead. Alas, this has not happened. Despite my best efforts and superb grade, there are too many like me. Despite your urgencies that three years spent getting the degree would provide a solid future. I am actually no better off than my acne ridden neighbour who left school with two a-levels. I am actually competing against him for a job at a call centre next week. Which I am sure you will agree was not the glittering career I was promised when I entered into the university. So I have come to the conclusion that I have been mislead distorted information.
I feel full refund for the damage that this has done both to my psyche and self-esteem is fair. I did not particularly enjoy living in damp squalor, reading books and annotating papers. Nor did I enjoy the hours spent focusing on one person and jotting everything down he had to say on the roman novel. It turns out that employers are not impressed that I can quote Greek or write a 2000 word essay on the role of myth in ancient Greece. Apparently that proves nothing.
I am saddened that our relationship has come to an end. If the life I was promised had happened then I would not be ending this contract. You may also revoke the alumni magazine. Please forward the cheque to the address above, paid to myself. And I will return the degree by recorded delivery.